Tonight I held my daughter as she completely melted down, lost in a downward spiral of fatigue and frustration. All I could do is hold her close as she cried, struggling in my arms, fighting against both me and her tumultuous feelings. I rocked her. I sang to her. I held her close and reminded her over and over that I loved her, until she finally collapsed, finding release at last in the rhythmic movement and peaceful sleep.
As I held her drowsy warmth in my arms, I realized that she is in too many ways a reflection of her momma. I fall into that same spiral of exhaustion and sorrow. I have argued, cried, and grappled with God over the desires of my heart. I am like Jacob. I endure the long nights alone, wrestling with God through grief and despair. Not ready to give over in complete release to find peace, I refuse to let go until He has blessed me.
And yet on those darkest nights, I am reminded that His perfect peace is always there for the taking. My blessing has already been given. It is found in the loving circle that surrounded us in our deepest moments of sorrow and loss, praying and loving on us through the valleys. It is found in the beautiful partnership I have with my husband, the personification of the vows of better or for worse, in sickness and in health. It is found in the Grace freely offered when I, and the rest of the world, are so undeserving. So unbelievingly undeserving.
And as I sit rocking, that blessing is most tangibly evident in the beautiful, sleeping miracle I hold in my arms... The only one out of many to not only survive, but thrive and bring joy to all of those around her. My vibrant, vivacious little one.
I do not know what the future holds for our family, nor do I know if I will ever quit wrestling with God’s plan for us. It is a daily, hourly, sometimes minute by minute struggle. But, I do know that perfect peace is mine for the taking, when I remind myself it is there. God has blessed me. Like Jacob, I just have to cling to Him and I will overcome in the morning.
Hopefully, she will do the same.
Genesis 32:22-29
22 That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two female servants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. 23 After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. 24 So Jacob was left alone,and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”
But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”
27 The man asked him, “What is your name?”
“Jacob,” he answered.
28 Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”
29 Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.”
But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there.
